Uh revoir

2006-07-03T07:27:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

I am announcing herewith my retirement as captain of the blogosphere. The desire has gone (not ladies' desire for me - my desire to blog), and I know you will have noticed the lack of commitment which I have recently failed to conquer, and for which I apologise.

I have been enormously proud to be the fittest man on the internet and I have lived the dream.

There have been highs

and lows

but the time has come to say goodbye.

I will still be available to comment on other people's blogs, if selected, but I feel the time has come to let another man be the internet's captain of beauty.

To all those people who have supported me in my time as the most beautiful blogger, I offer a sincere and heartfelt uh.

UH.

Thuh Beautiful Game?

2006-06-05T05:58:00.000-07:00

I had become too recognisable, and needed to lay low for a while. I pondered long and hard about what I could do, and then it came to me.

Of course! The only way to avoid being noticed was a face transplant. Radical, I know, but what else could I do?

But who could I become? What talents did I have? Well, I thought to myself, you did once play that game of 'soccer' as a boy...maybe you could do that for a while.

So I went for special scientific kicking tests, and it turned out that I was pretty good. Good enough, it seems to spend the summer in a place called Germ-uh-ny, playing under an assumed identity.

Sounds a bit like 'titty'. Uh.

I tried several faces, desperate to make myself ugly and insignificant. I settled on a player with a similar skill level to myself:

and set on my plan.

I kidnapped him, drugged him and took his face, but my beauty shone through the transplant. Our soccer games were a perfect match, but my lady GAME was too damn tight. No one would've have believed it was me.

Having returned this buck-toothed dribbler to his life, I thought long and hard. And I sniggered at the words as I did so. Long and hard. Uh.

I researched the players due to appear in this 'World Cuhp', and it became clear that only one man had the requisite mixture of talent and TALENT for me to be convincing. Sure, I'd have to tone down my soccer skills a little; yeah I'd have to tone down my GAME from 392 out of ten to a nine-and-a-half. But my decision was made.

Tell no one, my friends. NO ONE. For the next few weeks I will contact you only in this, my new, slightly squeakier guise.

Unfortunately, someone called 'Rio' (woteva) already pissed me off, and I had to deal with him:

and I think people were surprised at the new found ninja skills of this 'Beckuhm' whose identity I have borrowed. From now on I will have to control my temper.

Wait for news from me, my dearest acolytes of (temporarily reduced) beauty. I will post further news anon.